Treacle's Thought of the Week...

Now there's something I find attractive about the motorcycle leathers look. But there is also something which worries me about it.

I drive a car. I'm too cowardly to ride a motorbike. In my car I have air con for hot summer days, of which we get 4 per year. I wouldn't have that with a bike. Surely being covered head to toe in leather is not the best idea. It must get a bit toasty under there!

Also I notice that my car bumper gets covered in dead bugs as I drive along. So if that happens to my car then surely a biker must get covered all over his body! Mmm, nice!

So I am left wondering what exactly is it I find so attractive about the thought of a leather clad sweaty man covered in dead flies?

I love branding. Having been in retail all my working life, I appreciate the benefits of a strong brand. It's best demonstrated by looking at the disadvantages of bad branding.



For example, someone wearing certain clothing brands will automatically be regarded as cheap and trashy. (I'm not gonna name names because I don't want to be sued!) Now if the same person was to be seen wearing a top-end high-fashion brand then you'd think rather differently.



The same applies to other brands. I have a favourite brand of coffee shop, mostly because they sell the best Italian style coffee. But to add the experience is their light blue and maroon paint work, the dark wood tables and floors and the light brown comfy chairs. It's a little haven of calm for me. My favourite one is on Piccadilly, London . It doesn't matter where I am in the world, when I walk into one of these coffee shops I get the same glowing feeling.



That's the power of the brand. Except for the other day when I tried a new one that's opened. Same great coffee, same dark wood, same maroon paint work. The only downside was as I was drinking my coffee I noticed every one else was wearing cheap brand clothing and swearing like troopers! And it was and that point I realised that no matter how good the brand is, nothing is powerful enough to create a haven of calm in Bracknell !

In modern society, where we try to be all inclusive, I have noticed a number of establishments improving the facilities they offer to parents with young children.



But one of those services has confused me. (It doesn’t take much)



I’ve noticed the sudden rise of the token gesture child’s toy. Now from doctor’s surgeries, to the dentist, from bookshops to pizza hut, they all have the same kind of toy which mothers use to amuse their sprogs with while waiting for whatever it is they are waiting in for. (They’re probably waiting for the sprog to turn 18 so it can leave home and mother can stop taking it the dentist or having pizza for lunch)



Anyway, I see this toy everywhere. Do you know the one I mean? It’s basically a wooden table with brightly coloured wires stuck into it. The wires rise up, twist in different directions, cross over each other and disappear back into the table top. Around each wire are brightly coloured beads, so the whole thing is like a messy abacus. And I’ve seen children play with these toys, with complete bewilderment in their eyes. You can’t blame them really. I mean what’s the point of moving beads around a wibbly wobbly wire?



But what has confused me more, is if these toys are so popular that they are seen in large retailers and health providers, why have I never seen one on sale in Toys R Us?

I don’t understand posh people. What makes a posh person posh? At what point do you not qualify for being posh? Why do posh people always seem to have an attraction for horses and green waxed clothing?



What is it inside their heads which makes them think its ok to call someone Tristian or Tarquin? Why are they drawn to floral print sofas? And why do they talk like that?



I understand regional variation of accent. But this seems to be universal. If you are posh, then it doesn’t matter if you’re from Kent , Devon or Knutsford (let’s face it, they would never admit to being in the North West ), they all sound the same.



What I really don’t get is why people say posh folk talk as though they have a plum in their mouth? I’ve tried talking with plums in my mouth, in more ways than one. And I can tell you now that it’s not only difficult to talk, but also dangerous, and not only for me. What’s more, I didn’t sound in the least bit posh!



Answers on a posh postcard please…

I was having my hair cut the other day and the girl washed my hair I noticed I was surrounded by a dozen photos of emaciated models with various shades of neon hair in various styles. One looked like a pink motorcycle helmet, one looked like an orange tea cosy and another like she had a giant genetically modified garden pea welded to her head.

Now surely these posters are supposed to motivate and inspire you to have your hair done like that? Well, maybe not me. I often think how nice it would be nice to have enough hair on my head to style into a razor sharp mullet. Then again, maybe not.

And it’s the same with trashy magazines. All the hair product adverts use images of models with hair styles which you wouldn’t be seen dead with, whilst walking through the Oracle.

So who actually looks like this?

And more to the point, what about the poor models? They actually have their hair cut and dyed for these photos. Surely they can’t leave the studio with a bright orange beacon hair cut? They would stand out a mile! Perhaps they wear hats to hide this. Right, I’m now going to be looking at everyone in a hat and wondering whether or not they are hiding a tight perm and blue rinse!